Healthy Conflict & A Kingdom Mindset

Work with Purpose Conference | Keynote 4 | August 2024

CoachingHealthy Conflict

Description

Discover how to handle conflict with a Kingdom perspective and hear applicable tips on how to approach others. Find more info about Work with Purpose Conference, here.

to our very first time mind you this is

happening you go and you visit all the

sites that Paul visited and I was struck

by something really amazing and that is

that uh everywhere you go they’d talk

about oh here’s somewhere Paul went and

it was things like oh yeah here’s where

Paul went to

prison oh yeah and here’s where they

dragged him into the amphitheater and

like put him on trial oh here’s Mars

Hill this is where they basically put

him on trial again in Athens and you

know Paul was kind of like he was

conflict positive I guess you could

say he was okay with conflict anybody

else like that in the room you just like

you’re like man Paul he’s my dude yeah

there’s a few people anybody else who’s

more like you know blessed are the me

no okay that’s cool you know I think we

have like these different views on

conflict as Christians right we uh some

of us are like oh we shouldn’t be mean

to anybody and you know and then the

others are like you know Paul let’s

raise them to the ground with truth

and this is uh you know the Bible has a

lot to say about conflict I think the

secular business World also has a lot to

say about conflict right I think if

you’ve been in the business world at all

you’ve read any books you will know that

like you know you got Patrick linion if

you want to know the secular view of

conflict just read his book five

dysfunctions of a team it’s great I love

it um that’s not what I’m here to talk

about today though today I’m here to

talk about conflict in the context of

our faith and God’s

kingdom and if we look to the Bible as

our source of Truth and we think about

like you know conflict then we you

should be able to look up the answer to

a lot of these questions in the Bible

and I kind of feel bad saying that

sometimes because it almost feels like

I’m cheating it’s like you can just look

up the answer to anything in the Bible

and like read it back to people and it’s

like yeah you look really smart it’s

like you know the the up up down down a

a BB to the yeah the life the universe

and

everything and if you got that joke that

means you are an out over 40-year-old

male

who’s about to go into a midlife crisis

and I’m right there with

you and the Bible has so much to say

about conflict doesn’t it it’s amazing

it’s the best business book ever

written and I think one of the things

that we struggle with a lot is the

idea again that we’re supposed to be

really nice and that conflict is kind of

a bad thing we’re supposed to shy away

from it as Christians but really the the

Bible says conflict is good and I think

the problem that we have when we don’t

do conflict well as Believers it’s that

we’re not starting from the right place

and ending in the right place of

conflict and so we’re going to talk

about what is what does that even mean

what is this guy even talking about

starting in the right place and ending

in the right place but before we do that

I want to talk a little bit about the

Bible there we go

so I want to talk about the greatest

commandment you shall love the Lord your

God with all your soul and with all your

mind this is the second this is a great

and first commandment and the second is

like it you shall love your neighbor as

yourself and on these two Commandments

depend all the law and the

prophets so we can go back to this and

we can say hey when it comes to conflict

loving your neighbor as yourself right

how do you want to be treated when it

comes to conflict are you like man I

really love it when people talk about me

behind my back anybody like that

no okay or are you like you know I

really love the feeling I get when I

gossip about other

people no one’s like that either or I

really love it when people hold grudges

against

me that’s no fun right that’s not now if

we do that to other people that’s not

loving our neighbor as we love ourselves

because I don’t want any of that for

myself right and yet I find myself doing

it to other people a lot right if I’m

being honest I have to say that I have

been that guy and I continue to be that

guy and will be that guy into the future

and so I want to use what God has told

us in scripture to help me with that so

let’s talk about

that so it’s all about how we want to be

treated

right so the first step there’s kind of

three steps first thing we want to do is

we want to start with humility right

this shouldn’t be any surprise you’re at

a Christian business conference starting

with humility everyone should be like

yeah humility it’s tough though right

because as someone who has definitely

had his own struggles with pride um

things tend to kind of become all about

me right anybody else ever have that

it’s like oh you know this person said

this to me and I got really upset about

that and man I shouldn’t be getting

upset and I’m going to take it out on

them and I’m going to go tell my friends

about it no um and I think with humility

it’s like why do you see the speck that

is in your brother’s ey but do not

notice the log that is in your own eye

Matthew 7 so I think first we have to

kind of when it comes to having conflict

with someone we have to go back to the

idea that maybe this fault could be mine

or I could have something that I need to

fix first and it’s not just all about

what the other person’s doing wrong

that’s made me

upset so the second thing that we need

to do is we need to talk to one another

not about one another

so humility is kind of obvious right you

are probably seeing that coming a little

bit this again Christian business

conference we’re going to talk about

humility talk to one another and not

about one another that’s a little bit

different if you know your Bible you’ll

know that

um there’s a verse in Matthew again if

your brother sins against you go and

tell him his fault between you and him

alone man I bet that if every single one

of us thought about it really hard and

me included I could think of something

in the past probably week or so where I

have had a problem with somebody and I

talked to not that person about that

problem right I think that’s if we’re

all just being really honest we can

think of

that and it’s just really natural right

because we humans we just love to avoid

conflict we almost see like when when

it’s time for me to talk to somebody

about what they’ve done wrong it almost

inevitably is like reflecting back on

myself about things that I’ve done wrong

and it makes me really uncomfortable to

do it because it’s like well what if

they come back and say like well Brad

you did this and you did this and you

did this and read me the list of all the

things that I’ve done wrong in my life

right I don’t want that to

happen and then what if like you get to

them and they blow up and they’re like

no way I never did any of that I mean

that’s tough too right so it it takes a

lot of courage to go do this but what

we’re saying is the best way to handle a

problem between you and another person

is between you and another

person kind of a weird concept I’ll give

you a second to think about

it I know right it’s like I feel really

bad it’s like just read this out of the

Bible maybe one key to doing this really

well is Proverbs 15 a soft answer turns

away wrath but a harsh word stir up

anchor so how you go about doing this

when you go talk to this other person is

really really really critical if you go

in hotheaded high

emotional um you know you may not be

able to get the same result that you

want to get uh you may not bring about

the the end result that we’re talking

about which I don’t want to get too far

ahead of myself but couple other things

about going and talking to

people we I get I talked about emotions

just briefly but emotions are a really

critical piece of this we tend to be

really emotional people that try to like

bury our emotions way down deep inside

right anyone ever done that I know I

have

so why is this bad when it comes to

conflict because a lot of times the

things that other people do wrong the

problem that you’re trying to solve is

not that they did something wrong it’s

how you felt about it right and how you

felt about it is really the problem and

so when we talk about how we felt about

something that’s going to be a much

better it’s a much easier thing for

people to connect to right because they

might be like oh well yeah I’ve I’ve had

feelings about stuff too in my past it’s

a familiar thing we all we’ve all had

that moment where it’s like man i’ I

somebody did something and I got really

upset and the upset thing me being upset

is really the problem here not the thing

that they did

necessarily and so I always like to

start that way start telling people how

you felt about it make sure that they

have an opportunity to validate your

emotions because I think that’s a really

good way to connect people so we talked

about starting with humility we talked

about talking to one another not about

one another and actually one I’m going

to add a point to talk to one another

not about one another and that is that a

a guideline of whether you’re doing this

really well is if you can think about a

time in the past couple weeks where

you’ve talked about someone to someone a

even after you talked to them about it

let’s say like I’m having a problem with

Andrew and I’m like and I go talk to

Andrew and I’m like Andrew you know I

don’t like your haircut today buddy um

and then I go to like MTI and I like man

did you see Andrew’s haircut it was

terrible and it was like this and that

and this and that and it’s like would

Andrew be surprised by anything I’m

saying because if he is I’m saying it

wrong I shouldn’t be saying that to

anybody but Andrew and again that’s kind

of talking to someone not about someone

no they should never be surprised by

what I’m saying about

them the last one’s the hardest always

humility talk to one another but when

someone repents you forget

this is the one that kind of like it’s

kind of like nails on a chalkboard of

our soul right it’s kind of hard to

accept and even a lot of times as

Christians we like to like minimize the

Forgiveness it’s like oh I’ve forgiven

them in my heart and that’s

enough but true forgiveness is actually

a little different um and uh Luke 17 is

a classic example of this if your

brother sins rebuke him and if he

repents forgive him and if he sins

against you seven times in the day and

turns to you seven times saying I Repent

you must forgive

him and this is pretty wild and some

people are like well he’s just speaking

metaphorically here you know obviously

seven times that’s a lot right but it’s

not

really if someone repents seven times

forgive him seven times uh this is one

of those like we should take this Bible

thing more literally

maybe and another scripture here I

that’s really important is uh bearing

with one another and if one has a

complaint against one another forgiving

each other as the Lord has forgiven you

you must also forgive and so man I think

too often we’re like yeah I forgive him

but I’m still holding a

grudge that’s not a guy I’d grab coffee

with but he’s

forgiven I don’t think I’d ever invite

him over for Thanksgiving dinner but

yeah but I but I forgive

him is that really how God forgives

us is is God like oh yeah your sins are

forgiven but when you die you are dead

dead you’re not coming into my kingdom

like that is that how God forgives us no

that is not how for God forgives us so

why do we kind of have this separate

form of forgiveness as Christians for

other people who have done us wrong

we’re like oh I’m going to forgive you

in my heart but you know I’m not going

to talk to you in the hallway or

anything I’m just going to keep my

distance keep my distance we love that

that’s like uh therapeutic forgiveness

almost It’s All About Me it’s not about

uh the the RW that I love which is

reconciliation and really

conflict in the kingdom is about

reconciliation right if if you don’t you

start with humility but you end at

reconciliation if you don’t have a

full relationship with that other person

at the end of that no matter how big or

small the conflict is right it doesn’t

actually matter I don’t care if they

took your lunch out of the fridge and

made it in the break room or they

punched you in the face walking down the

hallway reconciliation is what we need

to have with one another and if they

come to you and repent then you will

forgive and that is the one of the most

powerful things that I think uh God has

for us and it’s one of the most powerful

things in his kingdom is this idea that

in God’s you know God’s Authority he

wants us to forgive one another he wants

us to be reconciled with

everybody and just so you know I’m not

talking out a school another scripture

so if you are offering your gift at the

altar and they remember that your

brother has something against you leave

your gift there before the Altar and go

first be reconciled to your brother and

then come and offer your gift does

anyone think that like offering gifts at

the altar was kind of important in

second temp temple Judaism anybody yeah

it was pretty important right it was

like basically the whole

thing um so is it weird that he was like

man you know like

your priorities are out of order if

you’re here at the altar offering

something and you have a Reconciliation

problem with your brother you if you’re

thinking you need to be here first

reconciling with God

first go reconcile with your brother

first that is a really backwards thing

right we don’t really expect that we

think you know I’m going to be I’m gonna

go be with God but you know forget about

John who who really wronged me last

week so I say all that to say

um there is good conflict in the

Kingdom starts with humility ends with

reconciliation but from humility we have

to go talk to one another not about one

another and when they repent we have to

forgive it’s 100% when they repent we

have to forgive no do not pass go do not

collect

$200 so I have a couple reflection

questions because I think this is a

really key Point has there been a time a

recent time when when you talked about

someone at work instead of to

them and do you need to go talk to them

maybe you

do also is there something in your life

that you feel strongly about but haven’t

voiced your thoughts to anyone