Accidental Alliances

[00:00:00] It is such a blessing to be here with all of you today. The highlight, highlight for me. So, um, I’m going to just talk about some things that I learned early on. I’m going to take you back to when we were first learning these things that the Lord is teaching us. So in the beginning, we felt like as a business, as a company, the only way we could serve God in the marketplace was to take the money we made in our business and give it to the people over there doing the ministry.

When the Lord dropped this scripture into my heart and he said, that’s really great what you’re doing over there. But what about all the people that work with you every day? What did they know about my love for them and my generosity in their lives through your example? It was very humbling and very convicting for me.

So don’t just pretend to love others, really love them. Hate what is wrong. Hold tightly to what is [00:01:00] good. Love each other with genuine affection. and take delight in honoring each other. Wow. That is the culture of the kingdom. And honestly, that is my life verse. When I read that, I was like, that is what I want my life to be.

And so as we were trying to figure out how to bring this in the doors of a business, what does that look like? Well, the doors were open wide and everybody was coming to me and sharing their woes and sharing their struggles and sharing all of the problems they were having. I was the original connections team member here, which was such a blessing.

Um, but I found over and over again, I kept falling into this trap. We call this accidental alliances because if we’re not aware of what’s happening, we can just get tripped up in this. And we have seen over time, this destroy teams. [00:02:00] and destroy the people in the teams. It’s that serious. There’s an article in our leadership guide about this and it’s because of how we learned it.

So we’re going to talk a little bit about this is a picture of a companion garden. And so master gardeners have learned certain plants emit certain nutrients that other plants need in order to thrive and grow and just flourish in the garden. And so Their heart is to plant these plants next to one another so that they, there can be a mutual feeding and the team can be healthy.

This is what we want all of our teams to look like, and I think it’s important for us to realize each one of us individually are a part of the soil that the other plants and team members around us are growing in. And so we can either be putting some healthy nourishment in that soil or we can be putting some [00:03:00] toxins in that soil.

And we call these things accidental because we do them sometimes not knowing. So I’m bringing this to our attention today. Number one, to expose the enemy, because this is how the enemy, our enemy, who stalks around like a roaring lion, waiting to see who he can devour. And he does do that. And so, As we become wise and we learn his strategies, then we can combat those strategies and not fall into these traps.

So an alliance is formed when two or more people band together for a specific purpose, but exclude other team members. So here we have our team functioning really well, the little white circles. So if we find ourselves On our team, a decision has been made and we’re struggling to express our opinion, um, to our team [00:04:00] or to our leader about how we feel about that decision.

We can be tempted to pull. First of all, if we can’t do that in a healthy way, we leave the circle and we lose our unity in the team. But what we can do is go to a team member to express our frustration. That’s the temptation. And as a connections coordinator, I had so many people come to me with a prayer request that was actually causing an accidental alliance and disunifying the team.

So we’re going to talk about how to avoid that, how to avoid initiating an alliance and how to avoid being pulled into an alliance. Those are two, the two sides of the coin that we find ourselves on every day, trying to work in unity here. So. You go to your friend, you express your frustration about the decision that your leader has made.

And before you know it, that team member is outside there [00:05:00] too, and they’re agreeing with you, and you’re both frustrated, and there’s a divide. What happens in these moments is a secret criticism. This can be recounting to your coworker a mistake that your boss has made, or pointing out how poorly a team member does his job.

It can be complaining to our friend that our spouse forgot our birthday. Once again, um, these accidental alliances can happen in every area of our lives. And when we have these secret criticisms, it’s not an effort to reconcile or restore, but it actually divides. So here in Proverbs 1821, we understand that the power of the tongue brings life or death.

And so what happens with this secret criticism in this accidental alliance [00:06:00] is that death spreads to the person who actually says it, to the person whom it’s about and to the person who hears it. And then how the enemy really loves to work is the person who’s heard it goes and tell someone else and then it happens all over again and it’s just this vicious cycle.

And you can see how these negative criticisms, these secret criticisms can begin to tear down the integrity of the team.

So healthy people, one of the ways we can avoid initiating an alliance Is to look inward first. Gina talked about it. Is there an insecurity that we’re feeling? Are we feeling like our position is being threatened? Is there something that we’re fearing about this decision? Does it make us, does it cause us to fear something?

Um, [00:07:00] if we’re honest, when we criticize someone else, it brings them down to elevate ourselves. That’s generally how it works when we criticize someone else. And so is that who we want to be? None of us want to be that person. None of us do, but we’re not thinking about it in these terms. And now we’re equipped to think about it in these terms.

So Gina also shared this scripture in Philippians. We didn’t share our notes, but it’s so important. Do nothing out of selfish ambition. Or vain conceit, rather in humility, value others above yourself, not looking to your own interests, but each of you to the interests of the others. If we genuinely care as much about others as we do ourselves, then we’re going to protect their reputation.[00:08:00]

As much as we do our own. That includes our spouse. That includes our kids. That includes all the people that we work with every day. It’s changing our language to honor them. Give them the benefit of the doubt. Realize and understand that we may not have all of the facts. All of the information when you become a leader and you’re walking in that, you realize that there are so many considerations in every single decision that you make.

And you can’t even imagine those until you’re in that situation. And so give your leaders grace, understand that there are likely some things that they know that you might not know that have been factors. And the decision that they’re making. And you know, they can all, we can, leaders can always use your prayers.

[00:09:00] If our teams would pray for us, my goodness, um, what a blessing and a gift that would be a prayer for us to be wise, a prayer for us to see every angle, to not be blinded by an aspect of the situation that we’re not seeing. Um, those are all really great prayers and ask questions to understand, not accuse or criticize.

Ultimately, we need to take these questions directly to our leader. Why is that so hard? That’s a great question for us to ask ourselves. Why is it hard for me to approach my leader and ask a question to seek to understand a decision that’s been made? Are we fearful that we will lose relationship? Are we fearful that they will, their perspective of us will change or be different?

I can tell you that in my experience with confronting these things, it has only served to build, to [00:10:00] build relationship. It exposes the lies of the enemy and it builds relationship. So keep that in your mind the next time you’re in a situation and you, you don’t know how to handle something, but you have questions.

Just approach your leader. Just do it in faith. And this scripture in Matthew says,

If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between just you and him alone. And if we will get into this practice, we can avoid these accidental alliances that destruct the unity of our teams.

So we want to be mindful not to initiate or be pulled into. So when a friend comes to you. And says, I just really, I can, I don’t get in alignment with the decision that my leader just made. I just, I think it’s [00:11:00] wrong. I don’t, he’s not thinking about this. He’s not thinking about that. When that happens, your job is to say, whoa, whoa, stop for a minute.

I hear your concern. I hear your heart, but I’m not the person in this situation that can affect change here. I have no power to change this situation and what I can do for you. I can help you sort through your thoughts and your motives. I can help you examine your motives. I can help you talk about why you’re feeling this way and I can even role play with you.

Okay, I’m your leader. Now you go. What will you say to me? You can kind of help coach them along that way. This is what we had to learn as connections coordinators. We had to learn how to do this, how to help them have the courage and the clarity to go to their leader. Um, ultimately, if you’re going to be, uh, have growth in this company, if it’s, if this is a place you’re going to [00:12:00] remain and grow, this is a skill that we have to learn and it’s so counter to the world.

The world does this a completely different way, but we are called. And set apart to be different in the world, but not of the world. And so we get to practice these things together. What you can say to that person is, I want to help you learn this healthy conflict resolution. Because this isn’t the last time in your life you’re going to encounter this situation.

It’s going to happen again and again and again. And it’s going to happen with your wife, your husband, your kids. It’s going to happen with your family. It’s going to happen in every one of your life situations. And so if we can learn how to do this in a healthy way, we can avoid so much pain in relationships down the road.

So, filtering questions. [00:13:00] First of all, and this one’s not on here, am I having this conversation with the right person? The one who can affect change? Number two, is this conversation painting someone else in a negative light?

Would it be okay if the person we were talking about overheard this conversation? That one will stop you dead in your tracks. If we can filter every word that comes out of our mouth with that question, man, we can save ourselves a lot of heartache and the people around us a lot of heartache. Is the goal to bring restoration or to get others to agree when they’re wrong?

I mean, let’s just be honest. Our flesh, whenever we’ve been wronged or we’re hurt, we want to go tell somebody else so that they can be hurt with us, right? Um, but there’s a better way. There’s just a better way. And we want to be committed to learning that better way here together. You know, growth is [00:14:00] another one of our, um, Um, Our four core values growth.

And this is an area that we can all practice growth in. So we want our words to encourage and breathe life into people. We want to treat others the way we want to be treated, even when that other person isn’t present. So. We can work on that and I this is my little mommy moment I at one point shared a little from a mother’s heart to you guys something in life that I had learned that had really Helped me a lot.

And so this um, as a company at one point we did Uh, A book study called The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. Raise your hand if you were a part of that, if you were here then when we did that. There’s just some hands going up. It’s so good. It helps you learn how you receive love. And so when you take it together with your spouse, it’s [00:15:00] very helpful because You know, if you’re, if you’re an acts of service kind of person, and so you’re, you’re doing all these acts of service for your spouse, but that’s not how they receive love.

They receive love through physical touch or through words of affirmation. Then you’re pouring all of this into them and they’re not, it’s like a paint bucket with the lid on, they’re not receiving any of it. And so, In 2005, we did that study and Rick learned that my main love language was words of affirmation.

And so he went and bought this empty journal and he began to fill it. And it, um, he, he wrote a little entry in here as the little wedding picture of us. And, um, this was on our anniversary in 2005, but he started just cutting out pictures, writing little letters to me, writing poems to me. He always drew his little face.

It’s awesome. There’s one that’s just like this little stick figure story. Um, I mean, he put so [00:16:00] much love into this and I cannot even begin to tell you, you can imagine what a priceless treasure this is for me today. But I have taken out of this book an excerpt of one of the things he wrote to me, and I’ve modified it to fit our purposes for today.

We are like beautiful flowers growing alongside the people around us in a garden. But we’re called to be different. To never try to grow taller or stronger or be prettier than the other flowers. To never crowd them out or shade them from the sun unless they’re being burned. To always share your soil and water.

And then you notice that the pot you’re in is always the fullest. With the flowers around you growing with their faces to the sun. Isn’t it amazing that we have the power to be that for the people around us? [00:17:00] That’s incredible. Let’s take that in for a minute. You have the power to completely change your team’s experience.

You have the power to change their life by the way you choose to serve them and love them and put their needs above your own. How does a lot of power guys? And what’s amazing is when you start walking in that, you feel more fulfilled than you’ve ever felt in your life. You’re living on purpose for a purpose and you have more satisfaction when you and gratification in your life than you ever thought possible.

And the amazing thing about this kingdom principle, which is, that’s what this is. It is a kingdom principle. It applies to every area of your life. So I want to encourage each one of you. If you’re married, love your spouse. Well, find out how they receive love [00:18:00] and love them. Well, don’t take them for granted.

Not one minute. Don’t take them for granted. Cherish them. Love them. Change their life by the way you love them. You have the power to do that and do that in your teams and your life will be better than you could have ever imagined. I love you guys so much and I’m so grateful to be with you today.